I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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