He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
