I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There's always time for handjobs
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
