There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
