1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
