In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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