So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Randomize
