You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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