My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
