perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
