Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
