found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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