i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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