We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
