I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
