i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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