So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
