So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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