Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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