I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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