at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Fuck me I smell like cheese
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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