I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
