if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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