I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
