what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I will be naked everywhere
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
