i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
