Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
