Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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