why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
