It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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