I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
