youre lurking in front of me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
