The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
