my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This is the high leading the old right now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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