So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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