we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
