Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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