I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just invented taco cereal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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