Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you will always have a special place in my vag
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
