So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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