hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
