my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
