yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
