drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
