he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
