Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
