I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
