i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
