Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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