Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
