Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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