Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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