im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
