I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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