I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
