The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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