just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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